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​Relationship Stress with a New Baby

Relationship Stress with a New Baby

 

Having a baby after 9 months (minimally) of preparation, planning and excited anticipation paired with (natural) worry, can bring many surprises for new parents.

 

Your relationship is catapulted into a new phase. Everything changes. You were a couple and now you’re a family.Your focus on your partner has shifted to this bundle of joy full of needs and demands.

 

Your erotic life may feel lost or severely compromised due to hormonal changes, exhaustion from loss of sleep, transfer to the baby. Yes, having a new baby can be an erotic experience. It’s not just for (some) nursing mothers, but for both parents experiencing the softness of baby’s skin, the pleasure of holding.

 

Sometimes fathers can feel left out or jealous of the nursing relationship between mom and baby. They may feel that their relationship to the mom’s body has been usurped, even while feeling happy and awed by the miracle of birth and breastfeeding. Even if the mother is not breastfeeding, she may be so entranced or preoccupied with the baby that her partner can feel a bit excluded.

 

The stress of suddenly having full responsibility for this tiny, vulnerable, sacred new being can feel overwhelming at times, especially in these times of environmental and political upheaval.Some new parents experience “advice overload” from well- meaning friends, relatives and social media. Yet others can feel a vague or sometimes deep sense of aloneness. Your connection to your partner has been altered in varied ways by the shared joy and the shared stress.All of this can make for some difficult relationship struggles. It can help to have a safe, neutral space to talk about all of this.

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Couples therapy offers this opportunity for you.

Why do they say "You marry your mother...or your father"?

 

When we are first attracted to a person we have a conscious experience of liking things about them such as their looks, their intelligence, their sense of humor or a shared interest/hobby/passion. Maybe we just like the way we connect or the way we feel in that person's presence.

 

But, often, when the relationship gets past the "honeymoon phase", relationship dynamics develop that have their roots in the unconscious. Some aspect of our struggles with one of our parents (or occasionally, with a sibling) gets stirred up. We may unconsciously bring out that quality in our partner, or they may carry it in a way that initially went unnoticed or didn't emerge.

 

For example, let's say Suzanne and Bob meet at a party, are attracted, find they share values and interests and get together. They have fun, get more and more serious and eventually get married. As their life becomes more like the family life they grew up in, with the demands of balancing work, recreation, cooking and cleaning, friendships,etc., they begin to feel certain irritations or disappointments with each other. They are not aware that the intensity of these feelings have their beginnings from before they ever met.

 

So, Suzanne, having had a dad who was always emotionally absent starts to resent Bob for having to work late at times and for wanting to go hiking with his best friend often on weekends. She feels emotionally abandoned and hurt. Her hurt turns into anger which comes out in snappiness and irritability with Bob.

 

Bob, on the other hand, grew up with an alcoholic, angry mother and is very sensitive to Suzanne's anger at him, although it doesn't look like his mother's, of course. But it is an area of vulnerability for him, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. He does what he did with his mother, which is to withdraw. Naturally, this makes Suzanne feel even more emotionally abandoned, hurt and angry.

 

They are both unaware of the reason their "buttons are getting pushed", but they are now caught up in a painful distancing cycle. When they come to therapy they are frustrated and unhappy but are helped by developing an understanding of their underlying family of origin issues and of the cycle in which they have gotten caught. As they unravel this and they are helped to communicate their real feelings and to learn to listen carefully to each other they are able to re-connect and renew their relationship.

 

(The above persons are not real clients, but a fictional construct, created to explain this common type of pattern seen in couples).

           Call (510) 548-6241 or email                        estherlermanmft@gmail.com           
for 
information or appointment.
    

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